By Monica O'Neil ; first appeared in The Advocate
“Leaders are a brick in the wall”, Mitch explained. “When you’re feeling angry, you can walk up to them, bash your head against them and it feels good”. He was having fun, being a little random and he has a point.
Leaders make good targets for frustration. Why? Frustration is interesting. Who gets it, who gives it, and why?
When I’m frustrated there are a number of people (also animals and objects) that might need to beware. It is easy to vent frustration on those nearby. Those at home- spouse, kids, dog, or the young man at the checkout, the older lady driving 3 km/hr under the speed limit in the lane I am stuck in.
Leaders also attract our venting of frustration. Politicians, the boss, the pastor, the board... that was what Mitch was on about.
We choose the weak or we choose the powerful when we want to vent.
Frustration, and its sibling – anger - are both a voice and energy. Frustration occurs when something we want to achieve is being blocked. Some goal, some aim, some value we have is being thwarted. The voice of frustration lets us know all is not well. The energy of frustration is there to remove obstacles, to right wrongs, to search for and implement a better way.
Inside us it will feel like we are a pressure cooker and have a pressing need to let off steam. That steam is meant to drive change. Harnessing that energy and focussing on what needs to change (the blockage, or even the goal) means that something good can happen.
Why waste all that great energy on something which isn’t the source? We choose the weak, or the tall poppies, and vent on them so that we can feel relief (from the desire to ‘do something’) and feel strength (in the face of an obstacle). It is an age old strategy. Cutting down a tall poppy, bringing them down a notch or two, can feel very powerful. It can help us feel bigger, when something else is making us feel small. Choosing the weak is cowardly. We choose them, having assessed that they have little or no chance of harming us in return.
So before we choose a suitable venting victim, it might be worth checking who, or what, is really causing the frustration.
This may involve clearing our head and body a little. Pounding the pavement, shifting piles of dirt, debriefing with a trusted friend, going for a swim, ie using some energy up. And breathing long, deep breaths. When our head feels clearer and calmer, we can think about the source. We may get help to work it out if it’s not obvious. We let the frustration speak wisdom to us.
Then, with the creative energy we still have, we can change something. Push for creative solutions, use the energy to help change habits, set better goals or finish the project in spite of resistance.
So, do you and I choose the weak to vent on, or the tall poppies to cut down? Can we resist these lazy ways out? Let’s slow down and consider our ways. Let’s choose the path of more effort and maturity. May our frustrations cause us to be more thoughtful, more creative and more energetic- and to change the right things for the better.